Chandu ke chacha ne chandu ke chachi ko chandi ke chamche se chutney chataayi

As a Chinese saying goes, it is true that ‘what is told in the ear of a man is often heard 100 miles away.’ Everybody, at some point of the other is guilty of indulging in some kind of an idle talk or rumor spreading, a.k.a- gossiping. I have a few people in my life with whom, when we meet, I don’t fritter a single second on silly formalities like ‘how are you’; rather I get right down to the grubby business of gossiping!

 

So while musing on the topic of gossiping, I realized that these tittle-tattle talkers can actually be categorized. Here’s what I mean:

 

• Barefaced gossipers or BG’s

Yeh kya hua? Kaise hua? Kab hua? Kyun hua? These gossipmongers are my favorite. They aren’t upto any mischief and they also don’t conceal that fact that they worship gossiping. Their tongues don’t spare anyone – bus drivers, house cleaners, the laundry man, friends, relatives, collegues; are all their prey. In short, they are the ‘Tell Me Whys’ of our society.

If you say ‘I am thirsty’ to a BG, here is the response: “Why? Since when? Do you feel thirsty often? Is it genetic? How old are your parents? Love or arrange marriage? Where did they first meet…..?”

It’s my personal belief that these people will mint money if hired by CBSE or ICSE to write question banks. They’ll never repeat questions, and will never grow tired of asking ‘w’ questions.

 

• Narad Munis or NMs

‘Purab ho paschim, uttar ho dakshin, yeh har jaga muskuraaye. Jitna bhi jaaye zamaana door inse, utni hi yeh paas aaye..”

Most of the vamps in K-Ekta maate’s serials fall into this class. Information hauled out of one person is always used to give rise to squabble between other people.

A simple ‘I am thirsty’ statement, after thorough metamorphosis comes out as ‘You know what? She was in Mrs. B’s house; she said Mr. B never pays his water bills on time, due to which there is always a water shortage in their house. As a result, they drink the germ filled municipality water that runs through the bathroom taps in their house. To avoid drinking that she chose to not drink anything. Now she is thirsty.”

In looking at job opportunities for the NMs-  after watching news channels like aaj tak, and star news telecast all sorts of crap in the name of ‘news’ – it is my belief that NMs’ gift of the gab will be much appreciated in such channels.

 

• The sly ones

This sort comprises of people who turn a harmless “bheeni bheeni, mehki mehki hawayen sunlo kya gaye…” statement into gossip. They openly claim to hate gossip. However, by using sentimental and emotional language they subtly get information out of people.

On saying ‘I am thirsty,’ they’ll say “How sad my dear. Have you felt this way for long? Do you always feel thirsty? Mamma didn’t buy you a bigger water bottle is it? Less money in the family? Not that I am trying to gossip, eeesh! I hate it. I hope you don’t mind me asking, I am only concerned about your well being…you’re so beautiful…you shouldn’t be facing such problems. So what were you saying about your mom?”

I know teachers often indulge in this type of gossiping. I wonder if detectives might also find this knack useful.

 

• Professional gossipers

These are the Seetharams of our society, consisting of postal workers, security guards, house cleaners, milkmen, dhobis etc. Spare five minutes of your day to them and you’ll know the history of the entire locality that you live in. They are good observers, and eavesdroppers. They won’t look you in the eye while talking, but they’ll know everything that goes on in your life, from your wife’s vital stats to your income.

Their reaction to ‘I am thirsty’ is as such – “Oh madamji, you know what? 3^rd floor ki Mrs.K, who fights with her husband every other day, whose daughter is 29 and still single because she is obese and dark, was also complaining of thirst.”

Try advising them on not indulging in such crap talk and you’ll see the latest version of the fowl language encyclopedia unfold through their yellow teeth, red-tongued mouths.

 

• Old age gossiping

This is perhaps the only other harmless gossiping, after BGs. Their song is “yehi voh jaga hai, yahi voh fizaayen, yahi par kabhie, aisa hua tha, vaisa hua tha…ab kya hota hai?” All the elderly, retired individuals fall into this category. Boredom often turns them into harmless gossipmongers, and more often than not, their grandchildren are a great source for information.

I do have a reaction for ‘I am thirsty’ from them as well. “Oh. Your mother is not taking care of you. Mere zamaane mein, children never felt thirsty.” They will call you every hour to check if you are ok, call up every other member in the family, inform them that you were thirsty, and seek the input of other oldies on how lackadaisical parents are currently.

Very often, these people get yelled at for indulging in such talks and saying’ Don’t tell anyone. It’s just my opinion being the oldest member of the family.’ As a side note – I personally love gossiping with my grandmoms, more than anyone else, about everything under the sun. I would give up hours of useless television watching to listen to their tales about people, knowing they mean no harm, and are just looking for company.

 

So that was my classification of the great gossipmongers of our society.

 

Ultimately, all the information goes to the poor 5% of the population – the involuntary baladiyas (trashcan in Arabic). These sadhu pranis choose to not talk about what they hear because they have better things to do in life. Hence, they are often the bait for hour long venting sessions. They occasionally nod their head, say ‘hmmms’ to avoid a repeat telecast of all that was told. Saying ‘I am thirsty’ to them will get you a glass of water. My heart felt appreciation and admirations go out to these people.

 

To end the post I have another quote by my all time favorite hero Johny Depp, who says, “The only gossip I’m interested in is things from the Weekly World News – ‘Woman’s bra bursts, 11 injured’. That kind of thing.”